Pit

Feeling the fleshy walls and floor undulate as I proceed deeper into the darkness. The acidulous bile bites at my nose and throat, while my eyes weep in protest. Breathing is unpleasant, warm and moist air is saturated with a sickening sweet smell. I wipe the viscous substance from my brow and slowly feel my sense of touch dwindle, I wonder what the long term effects this will have upon me, not like I have much control over the situation. I pause; hoping to hear any signs of life, some indication of what is in store at the end of this tunnel. Deep growing sounds that I seem to feel more than hear is all that welcomes me. I move on, gliding my fingers along the walls to help maintain balance and I move deeper.

Game

I don’t game just for fun, but for the necessity of it. To escape the troubles of reality. When I first started it was all a fantasy game, you were someone unknown and through adventures you became more. You became a hero, someone that others will remember. In all that’s why we do what we do so we can be remembered. We have children to remember us, we strive to reach high goals so others can remember us. Over the years I have realized that is not how life really is, you will be forgotten. Some sooner than others but none the less. Now the games take on a darker feel, no longer do we strive to achieve great things to be remembered. We do things to feel like we are needed and wanted, to make a difference no matter how small. It allows us to release more of ourselves than we can in real life. I can speak for myself that I have issues feeling needed or wanted. I am sure this is a condition caused by me, outside I know this is not the case. I know I am needed and wanted, still not as much as I want but there is something. I do feel alone though, sometimes I want to be alone in a sense. I enjoy being around people but my mind is separate. Others laugh and joke and have a good time enjoying life, I just sit and observe. I don’t express emotions or feelings like I used to, I got too tired of explaining it all so I rather show nothing. In game no one asks you how your feeling, there is no time as there is a goal. Something you must do out of need. I want to expand the realities of game and provide a more immersive experience, just like movies with control of actions. I can not get this in real life so I must keep busy, projects and hobbies fill my life to keep my brain active so I can not sit and waller in self pity. Game is not just an idle fancy, but a true need for some of us.

Effigy

I am being followed by a creature of the deep, silently lurking in my Shadow.  I know its there, I can feel it pulling and tugging at me.  Any source of happiness is quickly drained out and turned into deep dread.  All I want is to feel wanted, desired both emotionally and physically, to feel like if I am gone that I will be missed.  I have to start cutting pieces of me off in order to keep the creature at bay.  Losing part of who I am at every turn trying to get some grasp on life.  I have no other explanation for my moods, something has to be there.  I am not going to lie and say this is something sudden, this has been going on for months.  Quietly penetrating deep inside with out my knowledge.  And now all that is left is a sullen husk, driven by logic and chaotic emotions; left frantically flailing inside this effigy.

Escape - work in progress

Its dark, the moist stale air fill my lungs.  I rummage through my pack to pull out a candle and light it.  The soft glow from the flame reveals the earthen tone of sandstone highlighted by dust covered cobwebs. I look down at my wrists, there is a red mark around them like I was bound, but I remember nothing.  I was at a bar getting a pint and I awake here.  Something must have happened, someone must have seen.  I try to fight the panic and remember to stay calm.  Will anyone know that I am missing?  I was only in town for a few short days, I was hired by the university to help in dig of some supposed occult artifacts.  I stand up and grab my satchel and throw it over my shoulder.  I appear to be at the end of a hallway, but there is not any evidence of how I got here.  The cobwebs covering the walls are undisturbed and a thick layer of dirt covers the floors.  

I need to do something, staying around here will solve nothing.  How can i expect anyone to find me if I don't know where I am or how I was able to get here unknowingly.  I hold the candle in front of me and start down the tunnel.  Using my hand I maneuver my way around the webs, trying not to set them alight. 

Downward Spiral

Drifting lazily into abyss, movements seem like a helpless waste of energy.   Every action is countered by a stronger force, the feeling of helpless is consuming.  Trying to scream but nothing comes out.  You know there are others listening, waiting for a sign to jump in and rescue you but then cant hear.  Is it the void that's muting all ability to call for help or is it me.  Do I want help, just being consumed is so much easier.  Maybe I have something to prove to myself, that I am strong and I can get out of it.  What if I fail, will some pull me out or will my lack of calling prevent it.  Maybe I am getting what is deserved of me, the fates controlling every action.  There is no reason to fight what can not be controlled.  There is a certain comfort is being alone, mindless scarecrow following the wills of those around them.  Everyone else is happy, that is what it is all about.  Falling deeper into the void, unending downward spiral.

The Deepening

I can feel it in me, that tiny little infestation crawling around my insides.  How long it has been there I do not know for sure, months... maybe even years.  I can hear the whispers in my head that are not my own.  I though it was just my subconscious at first, but then things began to become distorted.  Warped is better analysis, bending my thoughts slightly into something else.  It was gradual at first but has since progressed into more.  It does not care anymore that I know it is not me.  The thoughts are just injected into my brain like a ice pick into a melon.  Resistance has been easy although I think it may be beginning to wane.  If I am not on guard then some quirks begin to develop, anomalies in my personality.  Deep dark thoughts that I am too afraid to write down in fear that  it alone will give it too much power.  Perhaps the biggest fear is that I enjoy it at times, letting it drive so I can relax.  Floating around in my own thoughts and just watching life go by.  Do others suspect the change that is happening?  Maybe they see it but say nothing, or more likely just too oblivious to know anything else.  I want to trust it, to feel that is does not want to hurt me or others but just to protect.  To keep me safe for some reason, but what importance do I have?  Why would someone as insignificant as me in the cosmos serve a purpose.  Maybe that is it, just to serve, one more among billions across the stars.  I will not succumb yet, I must hold strong for the Emperor, but I will not risk my life or my visitor for him.  I will stay hidden, no one must know.

Content

Things are never quite right, they all seem to be going well and a wrench gets thrown in.  Really does not matter what way either, you can be minding your own busines and enjoying be pissed off and someone comes alone and cheers you up.  Now that does not happen very much to be, it always seems to be more of a middle ground.  All too often I am a blank slate, no real emotions so to speak.  Just waiting around for someone to either piss you off or make you very happy.  Either way someone is always meddling in your life.  Why can't people just let you be alone and content not feeling anything?  It would make life a lot more easier.