The Deepening

I can feel it in me, that tiny little infestation crawling around my insides.  How long it has been there I do not know for sure, months... maybe even years.  I can hear the whispers in my head that are not my own.  I though it was just my subconscious at first, but then things began to become distorted.  Warped is better analysis, bending my thoughts slightly into something else.  It was gradual at first but has since progressed into more.  It does not care anymore that I know it is not me.  The thoughts are just injected into my brain like a ice pick into a melon.  Resistance has been easy although I think it may be beginning to wane.  If I am not on guard then some quirks begin to develop, anomalies in my personality.  Deep dark thoughts that I am too afraid to write down in fear that  it alone will give it too much power.  Perhaps the biggest fear is that I enjoy it at times, letting it drive so I can relax.  Floating around in my own thoughts and just watching life go by.  Do others suspect the change that is happening?  Maybe they see it but say nothing, or more likely just too oblivious to know anything else.  I want to trust it, to feel that is does not want to hurt me or others but just to protect.  To keep me safe for some reason, but what importance do I have?  Why would someone as insignificant as me in the cosmos serve a purpose.  Maybe that is it, just to serve, one more among billions across the stars.  I will not succumb yet, I must hold strong for the Emperor, but I will not risk my life or my visitor for him.  I will stay hidden, no one must know.

Content

Things are never quite right, they all seem to be going well and a wrench gets thrown in.  Really does not matter what way either, you can be minding your own busines and enjoying be pissed off and someone comes alone and cheers you up.  Now that does not happen very much to be, it always seems to be more of a middle ground.  All too often I am a blank slate, no real emotions so to speak.  Just waiting around for someone to either piss you off or make you very happy.  Either way someone is always meddling in your life.  Why can't people just let you be alone and content not feeling anything?  It would make life a lot more easier.

Wish

Oh how I wish I could destroy that side of me, what does it offer other than complications.  At times I feel that it is right, but I must keep it a secret.  Others can never know and because of that I feel trapped.   Its not that I go out and broadcast the news but, just that I must change who I am in order to protect people from unwanted grief.  Wouldn't it be easier to just destroy that side of me so that I never have to worry.  I feel like an outcast, maybe it is advantageous to truncate who I am and be open than just hide what is there and hope that it holds.  I hate that side if me, I want it gone.

Prometheus

How  I  long to be challenged by you, the way you make me think about things in a different way.  You help me become someone I am not,  yet at the same time you help me find myself.  You have been away for so long but that may all change soon, I got the taste of you in my mouth and it filled my mind with the possibilities.  I never want you alone, you come promised with new blood, but you have done that before. You have teased and toiled with me on countless times.  Often I lay shattered as you let me experience you, then you unfurl your wings and go unto the wind.  If I can not have you how I want you then there is only one thing left for me, I must create you.  Reap down into my soul and bring fourth the essence give you life.  After your first breath I will let you wonder and choose what destiny you wish to create.  For so long I have tried too hard to control you, to limit you.  You have learned to hate me, but this time will be different.  You will be in control of yourself, I will watch you flourish and prosper as you change the webs of fate.  You will have the power to create and destroy, they will learn to love you as I do.

Injured

I am a fixer, if its broken I try to fix it.  If its not broken I still try to fix it.  When it comes to something that I can not fix I do not deal with it well.  I feel helpless, useless, depressed, and end up just shutting down.  This is the worse feeling and there is nothing that I can really do.  It may fix itself but what if it does not?  What am I to do then?  I may never have any kids so I have adopted my other animals as my family and I feel very strongly about them and protective.  How helpless I feel when I can make something better.  I don't think I could handle being a parent and feel helpless in such a situation.

Fire

Why do I do this to myself, why must I get involved things that I should not be.  I have enough of my own shit to worry about to deal with someone else's.  I am very angry, It is very hard on me not to just throttle someone to make me feel better.  I like to think I am a passive person, but sometimes others have a way to get to me.  Interrupting or muttering while I am trying to talk and explain my side.   I need to let off anger.  I really do have my self sometimes for making things worse.  Maybe that's why I so often want to be alone in the quiet so I don't screw things up and make situations worse.  I wish I did not care as much as I do and the worse is that I care more than people even know.  If I don't care then I don't get involved.  I just need to get away from it all, to forget myself and disappear.

Something New

I miss camping, I used to do it all the time but recently its been once a year if I am lucky.  Well coming up soon I get a chance to test myself, primitive camping.  A few friends of mine are going to venture out into the woods with clothes, knives, flint and steel and a little food and spend 2 days.  I know it does not seem that hard but this is like a mini excursion and we are planning a bigger one.  It will be nice to get away for a while and settle my nerves.  I used to do it all the time and the lack of communing with nature has taken its toll.  Also it will be nice to test myself, I know I used to be able to do it and i wonder if I can now.  I wonder if we will be able to dig that trench like we want.   

On another note why is it that girls look so hot sucking on a candy cane and guys... well eww.