The Deepening

I can feel it in me, that tiny little infestation crawling around my insides.  How long it has been there I do not know for sure, months... maybe even years.  I can hear the whispers in my head that are not my own.  I though it was just my subconscious at first, but then things began to become distorted.  Warped is better analysis, bending my thoughts slightly into something else.  It was gradual at first but has since progressed into more.  It does not care anymore that I know it is not me.  The thoughts are just injected into my brain like a ice pick into a melon.  Resistance has been easy although I think it may be beginning to wane.  If I am not on guard then some quirks begin to develop, anomalies in my personality.  Deep dark thoughts that I am too afraid to write down in fear that  it alone will give it too much power.  Perhaps the biggest fear is that I enjoy it at times, letting it drive so I can relax.  Floating around in my own thoughts and just watching life go by.  Do others suspect the change that is happening?  Maybe they see it but say nothing, or more likely just too oblivious to know anything else.  I want to trust it, to feel that is does not want to hurt me or others but just to protect.  To keep me safe for some reason, but what importance do I have?  Why would someone as insignificant as me in the cosmos serve a purpose.  Maybe that is it, just to serve, one more among billions across the stars.  I will not succumb yet, I must hold strong for the Emperor, but I will not risk my life or my visitor for him.  I will stay hidden, no one must know.

Content

Things are never quite right, they all seem to be going well and a wrench gets thrown in.  Really does not matter what way either, you can be minding your own busines and enjoying be pissed off and someone comes alone and cheers you up.  Now that does not happen very much to be, it always seems to be more of a middle ground.  All too often I am a blank slate, no real emotions so to speak.  Just waiting around for someone to either piss you off or make you very happy.  Either way someone is always meddling in your life.  Why can't people just let you be alone and content not feeling anything?  It would make life a lot more easier.

Wish

Oh how I wish I could destroy that side of me, what does it offer other than complications.  At times I feel that it is right, but I must keep it a secret.  Others can never know and because of that I feel trapped.   Its not that I go out and broadcast the news but, just that I must change who I am in order to protect people from unwanted grief.  Wouldn't it be easier to just destroy that side of me so that I never have to worry.  I feel like an outcast, maybe it is advantageous to truncate who I am and be open than just hide what is there and hope that it holds.  I hate that side if me, I want it gone.